So I was on this errand down to Provo the other day, and all the CDs in the car were leaving me cold. NPR had moved on to smooth jazz for the night and the drive was looking very bleak indeed. Then my mind wandered to the Weird Al show last weekend. It's sorta burned on my retinas, y'see.
This naturally led to thoughts of Provo (fully as weird as Al, though unintentionally so) and my weird BYU roommate, Mandy. And whenever I think of Mandy, I think of leprosy.
For when Mandy wasn't making UFO sound effects,* she would sing this little four-line ditty to the tune of The Beatles' "Yesterday."
Leprosy...
I'm not half the man I used to be
There are pieces falling off of me
Oh, I believe I've leprosy...
It never failed to bust my gut and I have long intended to come up with more verses. I decided that this would be The Night, after ten years of woulda-coulda-shoulda, that I would finally complete "Leprosy." The challenge: I told myself that I would publish on my blog whatever I'd come up with by the end of my 1 1/2 hour drive -- no revisions allowed. So without further ado, here are the diseased fruits of my labor,** which I now unleash upon the world. (Well, upon the twelve people who read this blog, anyway.)
* She made it sound like the UFO was not only in the room with you, but was whizzing around your head. That girl had mad skills.
** Lest you think me utterly heartless, I would like to submit that I have knitted two leper bandages for LDS Humanitarian Aid and am halfway through a third one. Do 2 1/2 leper bandages neutralize the tackiness of a leprosy song? Here's hoping.
Monday, September 17, 2007
My new favorite car game.
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19 comments:
Okay, this is HILARIOUS!
And I have a flappy tummy. I wish it would fall off.
BAH!
What a lovely voice.
Marie! I could hardly focus on the words because I kept thinking what a perfect voice you have for a folksy acoustic earthy melody.
You know you're going TO HELL for that, right? A fun hell, with a great soundtrack, of course. On a related, er, note, at work the other day we decided that "hug a leper" would make a great bumper sticker.
Anna -- Thanks! I live for those words. I wonder if we could develop a special leprosy cream that would disintegrate just one spot of our anatomy? Disease as beauty treatment, in the spirit of Botox?
RC & Rachel -- Gorsh, thanks! You have successfully gagged the voice of my old choir teacher that was echoing in my brain all day ("for shame! lazy phrasing! no breath support!")
Lena -- I would be sorely tempted by a "hug a leper" bumper sticker. If you ever cook one up, let me know. One more cobblestone in my happy path to hell... :)
oh my. there are no words sufficient for my reaction. Yeah, this one is going to make the e-mail forwards throughout the universe fer sure.
I was going to mention the lack of breath support, but I'm kinda afraid to now.
Besides, it's really not the point of the song to sing it like a virtuoso.
Maybe the Italian version.....
PS: You have an unctuous voice, I like it!
Oh, Marie, why can't I be you? I mean--the utter brilliance...
And I was also sad to note that none of my "Mary Had Some Leprosy" even helped contribute to your song. Ah, well, it just doesn't compare, does it?
Belladonna -- That would be a dream come true, spreading my banal nonsense to every last soul with an email address! Then someone traces the thing back to me and I start getting hate mail and death threats, and the lepers get wind of it and start sending me hate mail and body parts, and...[shudder].
Tusk -- I thought "unctuous" must have postitive connotations given the meaning of "unction," but...no. Hmph. I prefer "flimsy, with a touch of pretension" if you don't mind.
Wynne -- Forgive me! In your vast catalog of grade-A lunacy I have lost the reference to Mary and her leprosy. Please remind me, and I'll write another verse. :) It's a good thing you and Mandy never met, because you would have liked each other so much you wouldn't have had time for wannabe Marie.
As someone who once owned a Weird Al Cassette and loves UHF . . . I want you to know that you are a genius.
Genius? I feel like I should make a speech or something.
I'd be happy with "mildly amusing." More accurate, less pressure.
After that lead-in, I sure wish I had a sound chip in my computer!
Lucky dog!! This guy is my hero. He has such an amazing sense of hilarity! I actually met him/hung out with his family at the airport last year. Here's my post about it if you're interested.
Tristi -- Don't wish for such things! Everyone here has been too nice to mention "occasionally off pitch" and "tacky." Not to mention "less funny than hour three of the Gilbert Gottfried show."
Dear God,
If I'm really good, can I be reincarnated as Sarah Flake? I mean, being reincarnated as Weird Al would be great, too, but I'd settle for hanging out with him at LAX.
Love,
Marie
Hey Marie! I've been trying all day to remember what it was I said to make W.A. laugh... I think it was something about Donald Duck at Disneyland but I can't remember quite what it was. I remember it was nothing too particularly funny and he most likely laughed just to be nice but all I can remember was the laugh. Sorry for the bad memory!
Marie, you are brilliant! As an avid though heretofore silent fan of your illustrious blog, I felt honored to be singled out as your "weird" BYU roommate. Nice job on the additional lyrics--they are much better than the weak attempts I have made over the years. Please note that I have grown in compassion and tact since I first came up with the original "Leprosy" words, and I am planning to personally visit Molokai to make amends, to rebuild the bridges of trust and respect we should all have for one another. Will you please teach me how to make those cool bandages?
Sarah -- I refuse to believe that Al gave you a courtesy laugh. Whatever you said, I'm sure he was thinking, "I gotta get rid of this girl -- she might steal my gig!" It was a nervous laugh.
Mandy -- You read my stupid blog?! Now I"m going to get performance anxiety and clam up and start posting about what I had for lunch. I want to hear your extra lyrics, please.
Doh! Marie, Marie, Marie.... I really should check I'm thinking in the right language.
I meant Unctuous as in Creamy, rich, and delicious.
I'm sorry if it sounded like I was being nasty.
Tusk -- No worries. I was 80% sure it was a simple translation problem. And I've never aspired to anything more than a decent choir voice, so even if you'd blown a raspberry at my solo debut I wouldn't have cried myself to sleep. However, tell me you hate my writing and I surely will.
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