The Utah State Fair...
...ya got yer happy porkers,...
...ya got yer funky chickens,...
...and ya got yer agoraphobic sheep.
The geese perform an interpretive dance. "Love."
The ducks plot their escape.
Choose an exciting new hybrid: the wall-eyed goat-cow. Extra easy tipping!
You saw it here first, folks: the best d*** patch of sod this side of Wyoming!
A less-known symptom of trichinosis.
"Heeeey, kid! Throw your Twinkie wrapper in my happy happy clown mouth!"*
(Okay, so actually the clown garbage cans were last year. This year they were American flags. Does anyone else find this ironic? Depressing? Especially given that the first thing you encounter upon entering the main fair gate is an army recruiting booth?)
As I was pondering this annual ritual, I remembered the fair I attended years ago in England, on the grounds of the Queen's country estate at Sandringham. As the Utah State Fair is largely a kitsch-fest, I felt this posting could only benefit from some comparisons to the fairs of Old World royalty.
English fair ambiance:
Grand and tasteful gardens, lending a dignity to the proceedings. Honey, cheeses, and flowers sold under simple white tents.
Utah State Fair ambiance:
Crowded buildings full of animals, scantily clad chainsmokers, and "people" in camo and wifebeaters running personality analysis machines that determine your lucky lotto number based on a handwriting sample. Snake oil available upon request.
English fair arts and crafts:
Softspoken, friendly man named Stewart** weaving beautiful baskets.
Utah State Fair arts and crafts:
White wax hand molds, artistically garnished with plastic roses. State-of-the-art fake hair.
English fair celebrity sighting.
The elegantly dressed Queen Mum in a lovely veiled summer hat. The dapper Prince Charles in a double-breasted suit, strolling with his umbrella walking cane.
Utah State Fair celebrity sighting:
Weird Al in a karate outfit, riffing on his accordion.***
I know it's a tad depressing, dear countrymen. But gird up your loins and go drown your sorrows in a nice deep-fried Coke -- it's what makes America great!
* Photo copyright Sharon, 2006.
** I was kind of in love with Stewart. I hoped Prince Charles would knight him right there at the basket booth and we could ride away together.
*** If any Weird Al legal goons wander onto this site, please consider the following before you shut down this video clip.
1) The shaky recording quality, which also indicates...
2) That I have palsy. What kind of monster would bully a poor girl with early-onset palsy?
3) No one reads this blog anyway.
However, if you still feel it your duty to pull my video off the web, just ask nicely and I'll go without a fight, though I may haggle for an autographed glossy of Harvey the Wonder Hamster.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Posted by Marie at 10:38 PM