Monday, November 30, 2009

Take this and swim with it.

I’ve dreamed up the best TV channel ever, and I’m offering my idea gratis to any entrepreneur out there looking to stake her claim in the Oprah vacuum. It’s a reality show -- but unedited, real-time, and more addictive than heroin. Here’s all you need:

1) one empty TV channel

2) one really long cord with a light and camera attached

3) one seaworthy boat from which to dangle said cord

You lower the camera into the dark, dark depths of the ocean and just leave it there. All day, every day. I promise you that millions will quit their jobs to stay home and wait for those fanged, transparent, glowing, deep-sea Satanic fish to swim by the camera. It may only happen once a week, but they will watch and they will wait. It will be the best horror flick ever: viewer as prey, waiting in a dark alien realm with no narrator or soundtrack warning him when the monster will strike -- just the maddening sound of his own pounding heart hour after hour. Buh-bum, buh-bum, buh-bum.

Or for a more lighthearted direction, you could interview the fishies backstage, learn their heartwarming backstories, do makeovers (lipstick on a lanternfish!), and have viewers vote them out of the ocean.

I'm the biggest cheapskate in creation and I don't like scary stuff, but I would actually pay for TV service if I could get the Evil Fish Uncut channel.

Come on – someone get on this, already.

9 comments:

Sharon said...

Marie, Marie, Marie - you need to secretly propose this to the bigwigs yourself. Now some shameless creature is going to make millions on this and send you a complimentary best-of dvd set during the holidays.

If that snooze-convention J and K + 8 can make millions, why not creepy live fish that zap things? I'd watch it. Go for it, girl.

Sharon said...

Also, in important news, I found stroopwafels!!

sophie said...

Hmm. I bet the camera apparatus could be set up to look like prey, too, so the monster fish would approach, and then--whoops!--be stopped by a mini shark cage, like divers use. The fish would gnash those fishy teeth (very gnashable, don't you think?) and throw themselves at the camera. It would rock.

Marie said...

Sharon -- Maybe we could lure the fishies to the camera with the stroopwafels? They would be quite a delicacy to critters accustomed to consuming their own mates.

Sophie -- Yes, you're right. If we're going to demand delayed gratification of the viewer, must make the actual gratification worth the wait. We must have thrashing. I'm glad you're on board.

sharonsfriendjen said...

This is brilliant! I say we quit our jobs, invest in a boat and equipment and spend our lives at sea filiming this very show. The things we will show, the tells the fishes will tell.
Around the holidays we can get a celebrity to sing songs about winter wonderlands, and if we aren't impressed, we push he/or she overboard to our sea life friends.

lenalou said...

I think this is brilliant, but I am a girly wimp and want to look at pretty coloured fish more than the creepy ones. Can you accommodate me, also?

--AJ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
--AJ said...

GREATEST TV Channel EVER.

AJ
lovelymittens.blogspot.com

頭髮 said...

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