Saturday, December 29, 2007

The more you know.

Pssst! I learned some top-secret information about Santa that I think might
serve you well in advance of next Christmas. Hearken, I prithee.

It came to my attention, while attending a recent performance of Benjamin Britten's Saint Nicholas cantata, that our favorite saint is not only a jolly old soul, but that he can resurrect people. Yesireebob! And not just freshly dead people -- people who've been hacked to bits, pickled in brine, and served to unsuspecting pilgrims. It would seem that he was trying to one-up Jesus's remarkable Lazarus miracle.* Cocky fella, that Saint Nick.

So anyway, let this serve as an early warning that if you're veeery good kidlets every last day of 2008 -- if you wash behind you ears and eat your lima beans and call your mother -- you need not hesitate to put Great-great-grandpa Horace at the top of your Christmas list. Or your flat kitty friend buried in the backyard. Or even Elvis.

Go on -- let those sugarplum visions run wild! The ol' boy can deliver!

* Our judges give S.N. a 8.9 on the Wow! factor, but a mere 1.3 on the Inspires-Reverence-Rather-Than-Giggles factor.


i i eee said...

That definitely was one St. Nick power that I had never heard. Wowser.

Reminds me of that David Sedaris story, about the 6-8 black men that travel with the former bishop of Turkey, to bring presents to good children, and to beat the wicked with sticks. :)

wynne said...

Wow. Too bad I didn't know about this before...think of all the pets I could've gotten back! But--do you think--it would end a little like Pet Cemetary with the animals going to evil and Saint Nick clutching his rotund belly and letting out a dire, evil chuckle just before I met my demise at the teeth of the rabid bunny, Mandy?

I'd like to ask, but I'm afraid.

Pretty cool about the pickled boys, though.

citymama1 said...

I do miss my cat.

Marie said...

ii eee -- It reminded me of that, too! In fact, the next day I made my dad play the recording of David reading that essay and we had a good laugh.

Wynne -- Why does it not surprise me that you had a rabid bunny rabbit named Mandy? I hope that a saint wouldn't pull an evil joke like that on us. I hope it's not all tricky and dark like that Monkey's Paw story we had to read in school. But maybe you're right. Maybe he'd use your wish to teach you a lesson.

Citymama -- Well, be a good girl! No excessive hummus consumption, and keep that slot machine addiction under wraps.