To the scores of eligible* bachelors frittering away their youth on temporary love, longing for the day when they might possibly afford my eternal devotion:
Interest Rates are low! All offers considered! Now's the time, boys! Seize the dame!
I'm a-houseshopping at the moment and if you don't stop me, these childbearing hips will soon come with a 30-year mortgage.**
With much appreciation,***
* For my purposes this means 1) non-porn-addicted, 2) gainfully employed, 3) not living with mother. Really Good Excuses will be considered, though only for requirements #2 and #3.
** They already come with a cat, but she's unlikely to last more than seven. She's quite naughty and headed for a tragic and mysterious end.
*** Fifteen percent per year guaranteed, plus offspring.