Thursday, November 06, 2008

Gone postal (or: reliving the gory days).

It's a hard time of year. The slime creatures have returned to the mothership, all zombie limbs have retreated beneath the sod, and you've stuffed your ex-boyfriend's earthly remains back in the hopechest. You've got that old familiar affliction: the post-Halloween blues.

But you've forgotten one dismal delight that never brightens: the U.S. Postal Service. Your neighbors may be the blandest of Boy Scouts, your workplace may be annoyingly free of horror, but you never know what alarming wonders the mailman might bring, any day of the year.



Particularly if the return address is that of Sharon or Wynne.


Sharon sent me a book that reminds us that there was a time when terror wasn't kept just for October; there was a time when all kitchens were laboratories and all human beings were trembling guinea pigs. And that time was the 70s. I laughed! My dad laughed! My brother laughed! My sister-in-law laughed, dry-heaved, and then went into labor! It's like Mystery Science Theater for your coffee table. All captions are those of the book's author, though these pictures are plenty horrifying without them. Witness:



Once upon a time the world was young and the words mackerel and pudding existed far, far, away from one another. One day, that all changed. And then, whoever was responsible somehow thought the word fluffy would help. Oh, and eggs, too.










Surprise chowder? Oh, goody, because nothing livens up a thick, translucent soup like a sense of uncertainty!









Some freedom-hating soups want to take our spoons away and would have us slurp at the edge of our bowls like dirty foreigners. But these soups don't run! You want them to taste good? What are you, a Communist?







The Soup is Inspiration. The Soup is Love. Smell the Soup. When one first arrives here, one may believe the soup tastes like a**. That is not so, my child. The Soup is Inspiration and the Soup is Love. Your name is now "Harmonia." The Soup is Inspiration, and you do not want to leave. The Soup is Love, and we have an electrified fence. The Soup is Inspiration. And the Soup is Love.






Yes, let's have these in brandy snifters. Let's just tip our heads back and let the chunks slide in. The time you spend eating these is time you'll want back at the very end of your life. That's why they're served with a clock.






Sometimes quotation marks aren't enough. Not when "pie" means "a crust made of toasted bread crumbs, an egg-and-gelatin filling with green and red food coloring, and meringue made with Sweet 'n Low." Seriously, our current system of punctuation can't even begin to convey how NOT AT ALL PIE this "pie" is.





Little is known about the People's Republic of Orienta, only that its people like Chinese knickknacks and canned food.








Sometimes mere adjectives for mackerel are not enough. Sometimes mackerel is mackerel unto itself. Sometimes you just have to let go. Mackerelease yourself. Embrace mackereality.





It was very hard choosing just eight. You must order the book. Let Mister Mailman bring you the Halloween gift that keeps on giving (nausea)!



More horrors the postman dragged in, this time courtesy of Wynne....



Orange argyle skull-and-crossbones socks. They will keep me hideously happy until spring. (And hide my rather advanced leprosy.)









Mr. Metrosexual Happy Skull Pin now lives on the lapel of my Kermit-green jacket. He has won me many compliments in just the last few weeks -- dare me to leave him there through Christmas? He's a pro-aging inspration, so tickled to be dead. "Low-maintenance living!" sez Mr. Metrosexual Happy Skull. "No moisturizing, no plucking -- just Magic Marker some pretty designs 'round your eyesockets and GO!"







This one looked so benign when it emerged from the box.






























But it gave birth to THIS. I have dubbed it The Audrey III. In the words of Wynne:

“Have you ever sat down with a glue gun and gone into a trance for an hour or so and then, when you came to, you looked at what was in front of you and thought, 'WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?'”

No, Wynne. No, I haven't. Nor has anyone else here. Please limit it just to glue guns, dearie -- I need you to stay on this side of the iron bars, so you can keep sending out boxes full of....







....Japanese monster pets! Named Domo! Domo's tag tells me that he likes to daydream and watch television. I think Domo and I will get along just fine, as long as he doesn't try to eat my kitty while I'm at work. I'm confident that he will wreak just enough havoc to tide me over until next Halloween.








Or until the next shrieking, oozing package appears on my doorstep.....
lunges for my jugular......

10 comments:

Amy said...

GO GLAD THOSE ARE BACK! I've already read them all to my mom...gosh, what a find. I love Sharon...

Hey, It's Ansley said...

What fun gifts! The argyle socks are delightful. Love the recipes, they really are more horrifying than ghosts and vampires. And you know I love a good properly used set of quotation marks.

Sharon said...

I love the glue gun creation. Please tell me it took its shape during enrichment meeting, next to the painted woodblocks of surnames?
Oh, and the fluffy mackerel pudding...how did I miss that when flipping through? Wow. I wonder if evil spies ever use culinary torture? Less morally-reprehensible and perhaps just as effective.

D'Arcy said...

I am simply absolutely mackerelily speechless. For real.

lenalou said...

Oh, Marie! I have been away from the blogging world for far too long. This made me laugh out loud.

Marie said...

Amy -- I'll bring the book over in case your mom needs some light reading in the middle of the night with Ben. I've got mail for you, too....

Ansley -- Quotation marks really do have the most comic possibilities of all the punctuation marks, I think.

Sharon -- No, I'm afraid we can't blame Enrichment for unleashing this monstrosity upon the world. I would imagine that if auditory "enhanced interrogation techniques" have been used on prisoners, culinary can't be far behind. Mind you don't leave any parking tickets unpaid, or it could be you next!

D'Arcy -- Oh, come on -- open up and taste the mackerelish!

You hear that, Wynne and Sharon? You sent the gift of laughter to the masses (okay, about 12 people who read this blog). Including Lena, who is very overworked and needs a laugh.

wynne said...

Oh, I'm glad that that stuff served a purpose. I think smiles were the general goals there... please excuse me. I have a book to order...

sharonsfriendjen said...

I need a copy of that book!! haha!! Those were great!

Carvel said...

I admit I was tempted to order "The Great Mackerel Pudding Plan" (only $2.88 @ Amazon) but I bravely resisted for now. Before I cave in, I must follow my rule of always checking the City & County library systems to see if they own it!If they don't, I'll be so surprised!
Re: Misuse of punctuation: I have a videorecording of Lynn Truss' BYU Forum lecture. As all of us "in the know" are aware, she's the author of the great bestseller, "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" (Is the comma in the title, or not?).
Wynne IS winning (a place in my heart, just beneath you), isn't she?
Well, I'm feeling rather mackerelish, so good night.

happy axolotl said...

I am in the LIBRARY, for crying out loud! Why, why did I read your blog at this place and time? Some dude camped out on a chair a few feet away keeps giving me the evil eye as I try to supress my chortling. Marie, (and Sharon and Wynne, though I don't know you personally), thanks for brightening my day.