Feed the #&$%! birds, tuppence a bag.

I'm no pet worshipper. I could go on for hours about how the book of Revelation clearly foretells that in the days when otherwise intelligent adults start dressing up their dogs and taking them trick-or-treating, the End is near at hand. In all seriousness, it gives me the willies.

That is why I'm a bit sheepish about my recent escapades. I live in a small apartment on the third floor and my cat is home alone all day while I'm at work. For most cats, no big deal -- two hours preening, six hours napping, and my, my -- wherever did the time go? My cat, however, gets very bored, and by the time I get home all she wants is to be chased. I feel sorry for her, having her psycho spirit broken by the long hours of nothingness. During the summer I crack the window open so she can see and hear the birds in the trees outside, and that keeps her fairly happy. But in the winter the windows are closed and the birds make themselves scarce. All is stillness and kitty anguish. So I decided I was going to find a way to lure birds to the naked tree outside my bedroom window.

Problem #1: Window three stories up, how to get birdseed up that high? Research telescoping poles -- think could use to raise birdfeeder to high branch. Dead end. Telescoping poles cost-prohibitive. Alternate plan: fling rope over desired branch, tie bird feeder to rope, hoist up, anchoring ends of rope to base of tree. Purchase clothesline, attach keys to one end, throw keys over and over and over and over in sissy-girl fashion until they clear desired branch, pulling clothesline with them. Highly entertaining show for neighbors.

Problem #2: What sort of feed to use? Birdfeeder with loose seed awkward to raise through branches. Would have to be refilled often -- undesireable, given convoluted rope system. Decide on suet cake: "high in nutrients," lasts longer, won't spill on way up. Attach suet cake to rope and hoist up. Watch for birds.

Problem #3: Two weeks later, no birds. Suet cake still pristine, cat still bored. I am miffed. Plot to trick birds into eating their birdy vegetables with some birdy candy: birdseed peanut-buttered onto pinecones. Return to store. Purchase loose birdseed. Take walk, collect pinecones. Assemble ooey-gooey pinecone treats for ungrateful birds. Untie clothesline, lower suet cake, attach tempting pinecones to suet. Hoist ridiculous-looking rig back up in tree. Hope no one watching, wondering if am inept terrorist planting bomb. Watch for birds.

Problem #4: Birds briefly condescend to nibble at pinecones, but ultimately too clever. Realize suet nastier than Brussels sprouts, will not touch. Pinecones now pecked clean = no more birds. Kitty is sad again. Marie is miffed again. Marie fantasizes about shooting herself fat little warbler, bringing it inside half dead, letting cat finish it off. Marie wants to punish all of Bird-dom for mocking her toil from their high perches. Marie is at the end of her rope (nyuk, nyuk, nyuk).

So if any of you have an in with the birds or an instinct when it comes to luring woodland critters to your windowsill (say, if your singing voice resembles that of Snow White), please let me in on the secret. Kitty and I would be ever so grateful.